Giovanna Spantigati

When you have to live in a problematic situation, then you get used to it.
You go on, you know the limits, the difficulties, you accept them and go ahead, but sometimes what you are used to bear, both physically and emotionally, becomes unbearable. You think you can't do it.

Emanuele, his handicaps… I seldom think of them altogether. Emanuele is deaf, visually impaired, has motor diseases ... his physical and mental evolution, his social inclusion, his future ...
All this gets into my head but my hearts sections it into small pieces and places them into different compartments (like drawers) which are distant from each other to force me to face one problem at a time, together with a fixed idea that can help me: this is reality.
But sometimes it seems that the guard in front of the compartments, like a patient librarian, is absent, without energy for his hard work, and suddenly all the drawers mix together.

And in a split second I fell all my anxiety, my distress, I feel lost in a desert and my little fortress seems miles away from me as a distant mirage. Dry throat, shifting sands. And I think: I can't do It anymore, it's too much. My body becomes strange, as if he wanted to set apart from itself. My mind tries desperately to run away, but the heart, which made every effort to help me to survive, reaches consciousness and all of a sudden I see the whole thing, with no mould. Past, present, future. From above. Like seeing a planet from a spaceship.

Then I split myself into two parts: from one side there are the emotions that are activated as crazy New Year's Eve Pops for fear of suffering, and to the other side will, strength, pride, the power of love that turns me into a little fearless Hercules , though a little unconscious ... I feel enlightened and, down deep in my heart, despite the abyss of grief, in that moment, as an ironic paradox, I find out that God exists.


Giovanna Spantigati